There’s a good article on this subject in Web MD. One of the important points is that we make assumptions about what our partner enjoys sexually based on the early days of the relationship, not taking into account that desires change over time. Asking questions and being open to finding out what interests your partner are strategies that seem simple but are often overlooked.

Many couples that I see in my practice have difficulty with expectations and assumptions.  When we start working on improving the skills of communicating clearly, with positive regard and openess, I encourage couples to work on putting their assumptions and expectations about each other into words.  It never fails to surprise me how many different interpretations there can be to one sentence.  I find people are genuinely surprised when they hear their partner reflecting back what they have said with a different interpretation or operating on an assumption of which the other partner is totally unaware.

We all have our own biases and they affect how we interpret what we’re hearing.  It’s often only when we check out our understanding by stating something like, “so what I hear you saying is…,” that we can be sure we’re on the same page.  I often witness interactions where each partner is not hearing what the other is really saying –let alone being able to clearly perceive the need behind the words.

There is value in talking and exploring the past.  We can learn how certain beliefs were formed and evaluate if those ideas may have been necessary at one time, but may no longer be useful.  It’s also valuable to access where we would like to direct our energy, to have goals for the future.  But when our thoughts and feelings about either the past or the future color our mood we are not living life to its fullest. We are not fully present.  And we are  not using our  ability to direct and control our thoughts and mood.  This ability is the greatest asset which separates us from other species.

Keeping our focus on the past or the future can be a way of avoiding something in the present.  It may be a truth that we need to accept in order to move on.  The energy we invest in keeping our focus on the past or the future keeps up from accepting and living ‘life on life’s terms’, one of the famous phrases of AA.

Being able to balance our ability to attend to the present, while  considering the future and exploring the influence of the past is a balancing act that we can master in the practice of mindfulness and being aware of our intentions.  As with most skills, it takes practice.  I find the practice of mindfulness can be elusive at times.  The task involves practicing the skill of bringing ourselves back to the present yet designating some specific time to consider the past or future, but not allowing them to dominate our thoughts or mood.

We can remind ourselves that we don’t have to figure out the big picture when anxiety invades our mood. We can simply focus on the moment.  Because each time we use the skill to focus we are in essence moving ourselves forward.  A technique that I show clients that brings us back to the present moment is to take a minute and simply focus on our breathing.  As we breathe in we think “in one.”  As we breath out we think “out two.”  With the second breath,  “in two” and as we breathe out, “out two.”  And so one with the third breath.  As we’re doing this we are removed from past or future thoughts and are simply in the moment.  We need to strengthen the muscle that moves us back to the present.  Practicing this several times a day enables this neural network to strengthen.  As we continue to use this technique we gain control over our thoughts and our mood, which is a result of the thoughts, conscious and unconscious that are constantly flowing through our  mind.

When I cite communication as one of the building blocks of a successful relationship I mean a dialogue where both partners feel heard and understood.  It doesn’t mean agreement.  It means that their partner can understand that in their world their thoughts and  feelings make sense.  And often this is very difficult for couples to accomplish on their own.  

There will often be differences.  There are two different people and it is unlikely that there will be total agreement all of the time.  But what differentiates those with a happy union from those who find their relationship difficult is being able to talk about issues in a way that neither party feels dominated or diminished. 

Gender differences can play a big role in the way communication is handled in a relationship.  Women often expect men to be able to talk about “how they feel” as freely as women can.  Men often don’t find this style of talking to be productive and can lose patience. They often want to figure out what they need to do – what action needs to be taken.

I think communication is the grease that keeps a relationship moving forward.  Trust and holding the relationship in positive regard are like spokes in the wheel.

By trust I mean that you feel that you have a secure base with your partner – that there is a mutual pact or understanding about what behaviors would be too hurtful and cause severe damage to the relationship.

Often in the early stages of a relationship couples operate with the idea that “he or she wouldn’t do that,” or “well, that’s obvious, why should we have to discuss that.”  It’s  often only when a couple’s expectations of each other are put to the test that they realize that they need to clearly state their expectations and assumptions in an open and explicit way and reach an understanding about the underlying issue.  Working with a therapist can help bring that issue out onto the table and guide the discussion toward resolution.