This is the kind of situation the noted psychologist and couples’ expert John Gottman terms “emotional flooding.”  This term refers to relationships where aggressive and defensive reflexes have become a way of life.

These relexes are triggered by a combination of frustrations, accumulated resentments and misunderstandings. The very first step in stopping the destructive cycle is to take a time out.  We need to let the limbic system, the location of our reptilian, or old brain, calm down.  When anger and frustration rev up our nervous system, we can’t expect logic to prevail.  Our subconscious, as well as conscious, emotions are running the show.  A good technique for taking  time out to calm down is to establish a signal that indicate when one partner is feeling emotionally flooded.  Some couples use a humerous signal that gets their partner laughing, even in the midst of conflict.  It doesn’t matter what the signal is as long as you each agree and neither of you find it offensive.

The next step is to engage in dialogue – a specific method of communication that allows each partner to feel heard and acknowledged.  One of the primary tools in “Imago” therapy is teaching couples a specific way of talking.  The technique is used in situation where emotions would inflame the conversation and result in increased conflict.  With the dialogue process each partner can feel a sense of saftey and this further calms the limbic system.

We’ll explain more about the dialogue process in future posts.  For now, you and your partner can agree on a mutual signal that communicates “I need a time out.”  With this agreement you’ve already taken a step forward in breaking the old patterns that weren’t working.

Many couples that I see in my practice have difficulty with expectations and assumptions.  When we start working on improving the skills of communicating clearly, with positive regard and openess, I encourage couples to work on putting their assumptions and expectations about each other into words.  It never fails to surprise me how many different interpretations there can be to one sentence.  I find people are genuinely surprised when they hear their partner reflecting back what they have said with a different interpretation or operating on an assumption of which the other partner is totally unaware.

We all have our own biases and they affect how we interpret what we’re hearing.  It’s often only when we check out our understanding by stating something like, “so what I hear you saying is…,” that we can be sure we’re on the same page.  I often witness interactions where each partner is not hearing what the other is really saying –let alone being able to clearly perceive the need behind the words.

There is value in talking and exploring the past.  We can learn how certain beliefs were formed and evaluate if those ideas may have been necessary at one time, but may no longer be useful.  It’s also valuable to access where we would like to direct our energy, to have goals for the future.  But when our thoughts and feelings about either the past or the future color our mood we are not living life to its fullest. We are not fully present.  And we are  not using our  ability to direct and control our thoughts and mood.  This ability is the greatest asset which separates us from other species.

Keeping our focus on the past or the future can be a way of avoiding something in the present.  It may be a truth that we need to accept in order to move on.  The energy we invest in keeping our focus on the past or the future keeps up from accepting and living ‘life on life’s terms’, one of the famous phrases of AA.

Being able to balance our ability to attend to the present, while  considering the future and exploring the influence of the past is a balancing act that we can master in the practice of mindfulness and being aware of our intentions.  As with most skills, it takes practice.  I find the practice of mindfulness can be elusive at times.  The task involves practicing the skill of bringing ourselves back to the present yet designating some specific time to consider the past or future, but not allowing them to dominate our thoughts or mood.

We can remind ourselves that we don’t have to figure out the big picture when anxiety invades our mood. We can simply focus on the moment.  Because each time we use the skill to focus we are in essence moving ourselves forward.  A technique that I show clients that brings us back to the present moment is to take a minute and simply focus on our breathing.  As we breathe in we think “in one.”  As we breath out we think “out two.”  With the second breath,  “in two” and as we breathe out, “out two.”  And so one with the third breath.  As we’re doing this we are removed from past or future thoughts and are simply in the moment.  We need to strengthen the muscle that moves us back to the present.  Practicing this several times a day enables this neural network to strengthen.  As we continue to use this technique we gain control over our thoughts and our mood, which is a result of the thoughts, conscious and unconscious that are constantly flowing through our  mind.

When I cite communication as one of the building blocks of a successful relationship I mean a dialogue where both partners feel heard and understood.  It doesn’t mean agreement.  It means that their partner can understand that in their world their thoughts and  feelings make sense.  And often this is very difficult for couples to accomplish on their own.  

There will often be differences.  There are two different people and it is unlikely that there will be total agreement all of the time.  But what differentiates those with a happy union from those who find their relationship difficult is being able to talk about issues in a way that neither party feels dominated or diminished. 

Gender differences can play a big role in the way communication is handled in a relationship.  Women often expect men to be able to talk about “how they feel” as freely as women can.  Men often don’t find this style of talking to be productive and can lose patience. They often want to figure out what they need to do – what action needs to be taken.

I think communication is the grease that keeps a relationship moving forward.  Trust and holding the relationship in positive regard are like spokes in the wheel.

By trust I mean that you feel that you have a secure base with your partner – that there is a mutual pact or understanding about what behaviors would be too hurtful and cause severe damage to the relationship.

Often in the early stages of a relationship couples operate with the idea that “he or she wouldn’t do that,” or “well, that’s obvious, why should we have to discuss that.”  It’s  often only when a couple’s expectations of each other are put to the test that they realize that they need to clearly state their expectations and assumptions in an open and explicit way and reach an understanding about the underlying issue.  Working with a therapist can help bring that issue out onto the table and guide the discussion toward resolution.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is concerned with the role of thinking in how we feel and behave. There are several approaches to CBT including dialectic behavioral therapy and rational emotive therapy. They all focus on identifying maladaptive patterns of thinking and work to replace them with cognitions that promote a more effective approach to problematic issues.

Psychodynamic Therapy

This school of psychotherapy stresses a therapeutic relationship in which the clinician guides the client through stages of increasing insight into relationships with significant others and the social environment. At the same time, the therapist helps the client focus on acquiring additional skills that result in resolution of conflicts, increased fulfillment and improved relations with others.

Family Therapy

Family Therapy uses a range of counseling techniques including psychodynamic, cognitive, communication theory and family systems theory. This branch of psychotherapy views the family as a system where interactions are governed by each member’s role with that family system. The therapist usually meets with several family members at the same time and assists the family in increasing its awareness of the roles of each member and how the interactions among family members affect individual behaviors. The therapist’s suggestions may trigger changes throughout the family system and often result in improved family functioning and greater harmony among its members.

Marriage Therapy/Couples Therapy

Marriage Therapy, Couples Therapy Marital and Couples Counseling can help in identifying the specific issues and dynamics that are causing problems in a relationship. Through the counseling process one can learn to stop destructive interactions before they become entrenched and learn new ways of relating. Couples Therapy can be helpful when two people are locked in an impasse that they can’t seem to break out of. A therapist can be helpful in identifying the destructive dynamic and naming specific behavioral strategies that enable the individuals to respond differently to each other and move toward successful resolution of often long-standing issues. Many times it takes only a limited number of sessions for couples to experience profound changes in their daily interactions.

EMDR

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was discovered and developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro in 1987. EMDR was been validated and supported as effective in the treatment of trauma by many studies. EMDR is referred to as an information processing therapy which integrates the approaches of many psychotherapies in a highly specific protocol. Elements from psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential and body-centered therapies are included in the process in which the client focuses on a past and present experience while simultaneously focusing on an external stimuli designed to activate the body’s own healing mechanisms.