CouplesNotes » communication

It Matters More Than You Know

Merry Frons — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:29:48 +0000

Do you get coffee for your partner or spouse in the morning? How often to you show affection to your partner? Generosity in your relationship matters more than you know. Those are the findings of a a recent study of 2,870 men and women in the Virginia National Marriage Project reported in the New York Times.
The happiest marriages were the ones with the highest generosity scores. This is not as self-evident as it seems. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of demands and obligations and lose sight of the generous impulse toward our partner. Take the quiz in the article and let me know if you agree.

The Economy and Relationships

Merry Frons — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 18:11:06 +0000

An article in the New York Times article, Husbands-Wives-Hard-Times a few months ago during the depths of the recession polled 5 authorities on their opinions about how this difficult economic climate was affecting relationships. Of course the economy takes its toll on relationships as all environmental stressors do. But as one of the experts noted, expressing verbal appreciation for one’s partner is especially crucial in these times. A ratio of five positive comments to every negative or neutral comment is one of the main characteristics of happy and thriving relationships, as we noted in the post on the Magic 5-1 Ratio. This information comes from the relationship guru John Gottman, whose research on couples dynamics is the gold standard of relationship research. It’s a simple strategy but one that’s often overlooked until a crisis in the relationship surfaces.

Relationship Red Flags

Merry Frons — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 18:08:49 +0000

A recent book by M. Gary Neuman, summarizes a lot of theories about infidelity in relationships In The Truth About Cheating, Mr. Neuman analyzes the hows and whys of men’s infidelity. According to Mr. Neuman, the following are signs that can be red flags that there may be a problem in your marriage.

1. He Spends More Time away from Home.

2. You have sex infrequently.

3. He avoids contact with you.

4. He criticizes you more.

5. He starts more fights with you.

But the good news here is that there are concrete strategies to turn around what might just be a period of disconnection and not infidelity. Recognizing these signs is important in staying attuned to your partner and as a sign that the relationship is out of balance and that some corrective action will be helpful.

Healthy Families

Merry Frons — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:28:00 +0000

What we learn growing up has a big influence on how we handle our adult relationships, especially our relationship with a partner or a spouse. ’Modeling’ is the term used for behaviors we learn by observing. Inconsistency is one of the characteristics modeled in dysfunctional families. When one grows up observing inconsistency between what is said and the behaviors one observes in one’s parents, issues with trust, confusion and lack of confidence are the typical results.

What I’d like to talk about in this post is the characteristics that are important for healthy families. Stephanie Covington, an author and addictions expert, has listed the following 6 characteristics of healthy families.

1. Commitment – the family is a priority.

2. Emotional and spiritual wellbeing that fosters trust and the giving and receiving of love.

3. Open and consistent communication – verbal and non-verbal.

4. Appreciation that is expressed for others in the family.

5. Quality family time.

6. Healthy responses to conflict and crisis.

These characteristics are important as continual awareness checks. We all get caught up in our responsibilities from time to time. But coming back and staying grounded in this vision can help us correct course when we drift off track.

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