CouplesNotes » Cheating

Are You a Retrosexual?

Merry Frons — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 03:13:13 +0000

An article in the Boston Phoenix by Deidre Fulton,
has added yet another word to the internet generation cultural-sexual lexicon. Retrosexual is the new term for people who reconnect with someone from their past (high school sweetheart, college crush) and the reunion becomes romantic or physical.

Therapists’ offices are filling with couples who are finding that its not just match.com that they worry about – it’s reunion.com and all the other sites designed to put people back in touch (no pun intended).

It’s one thing if you’re single and this is another option for dating material. The problem is when a spouse’s starts to communicate with someone from the past. It’s especially a problem if the first contact wasn’t noted in the ‘how was your day’ conversation. “I didn’t think anything about it,” doesn’t really fly when the contact is a blonde, beautiful neurosurgeon who just happens to be in town for a convention and has suggested meeting for a drink to catch up. The reconnect can be interpreted in various ways, some of which are not good for the marriage.

So if you’re thinking of responding to a facebook friend and you want to head off potential problems, best to have an agreement on boundaries with old buddies and share the news about old contacts openly.

Bringing Back the Erotic Charge

Merry Frons — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 18:13:45 +0000

One of the most common situations that comes up in marriage counseling sessions is when one partner’s desire for sex is much lower than the other’s. Many times this happens when couples have been together for some time and have gotten into a lifestyle that is routine and perhaps, child centered. When there’s a lot of saftey in a relationship there is often a decrease in the erotic charge. How to bring that back is often what motivates couples to seek therapy.

There’s a good article on this subject in Web MD. One of the important points is that we make assumptions about what our partner enjoys sexually based on the early days of the relationship, not taking into account that desires change over time. Asking questions and being open to finding out what interests your partner are strategies that seem simple but are often overlooked.

Relationship Red Flags

Merry Frons — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 18:08:49 +0000

A recent book by M. Gary Neuman, summarizes a lot of theories about infidelity in relationships In The Truth About Cheating, Mr. Neuman analyzes the hows and whys of men’s infidelity. According to Mr. Neuman, the following are signs that can be red flags that there may be a problem in your marriage.

1. He Spends More Time away from Home.

2. You have sex infrequently.

3. He avoids contact with you.

4. He criticizes you more.

5. He starts more fights with you.

But the good news here is that there are concrete strategies to turn around what might just be a period of disconnection and not infidelity. Recognizing these signs is important in staying attuned to your partner and as a sign that the relationship is out of balance and that some corrective action will be helpful.

Facebook and the Green-eyed Monster

Merry Frons — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:42:26 +0000

Does Facebook contribute to jealousy and other relationship problems? The answer according to recent research studies says that it does. How can one use social networking and not experience problems in their primary relationship. Open communication is key. Let your partner know who you’re communicating with. Don’t use facebook in a way that it functions as a relationship exit. This means that spending quality time with your partner takes precedence over time in front of the computer screen. Daily face to face time spent catching up on each other’s day is important to maintain connection and positive regard. Limit the amount of time spent on the computer when you’re at home so that it doesn’t create tension and problems in your relationships.