It May Sound Sexist
I do notice general differences in the way men and women approach resolution of issues. The generalizations don’t always hold true but I do think that there are certain observations that are helpful to keep in mind.
In my practice I observe men compartmentalizing issues in a way that’s different from many women’s response to frustration. By this I mean that women generally have an expectation of an empathic response to an expression of difficulty whether its your son’s fall on the playground or the unreasonable person that you had to deal with in getting the cable fixed. Men might relate the same information but the difference is that they don’t expect an expression of empathy or feel hurt when its not forthcoming.
This week I saw four couples where the women felt hurt and a lack of connection from their partners behaviors at the end of the day. The women all felt that the lack of verbal expression and effort at connecting verbally was a lack of interest in them. The men were looking to blow off their stress from work through action – before being able to settle into connection with their partners. The men were compartmentalizing their needs and dealing with them in a way that didn’t necessarily include verbalizing with their partners. And women often assume that this means they don’t have interest in connecting when its really a matter of timing, style, expectations and assumptions. With a little understanding and some targeted communication a lot of distress is eliminated. But often the way an issue like this is handled just inflames the issue.
Women generally look for connection with empathic responses. They don’t need the problem solved. They just want to feel that their emotional reality resonantes. This is not something that guys generally do naturally. Imagine a couple guys on the golf course and one hits their ball into the sandpit. The response is usually some competitive ribbing. I see so many men puzzling over why their girlfriend or spouse stormed off to the bedroom when they came home. Many times it’s just that buildup over the day and wanting to hear an expression of caring ie “the cable company really can be so difficult. you must have been incredibly frustrated.” If your partner is a male expressing the same situation he would probably prefer a physical expression of caring and not an emotionally coddling response. But what do you think? How do you like your partner to respond when you’re expressing your frustrations from the day.
Relationship Red Flags
A recent book by M. Gary Neuman, summarizes a lot of theories about infidelity in relationships In The Truth About Cheating, Mr. Neuman analyzes the hows and whys of men’s infiedity. According to Mr. Neuman, the following are signs that can be red flags that there may be a problem in your marriage.
1. He Spends More Time away from Home.
2. You have sex infrequently.
3. He avoids contact with you.
4. He criticizes you more.
5. He starts more fights with you.
But the good news here is that there are concrete strategies to turn around what might just be a period of disconnection and not infidelity. Recognizing these signs is important in staying attuned to your partner and as a sign that the relationship is out of balance and that some corrective action will be helpful.
Why the Right Words Sometimes Don’t Work
Many therapists, myself included, work with couples on learning to respond to your partner in a way that increases empathy, understanding and connection. But there’s a biological reason why we can sometimes be acting as the most reasonable, understanding person in the world and our partner can feel emotionally triggered ie. experiencing unpleasant emotions in response to our words or actions. Our responses are constantly being influenced by biology, experience and
environmental factors. When we have a better understanding of how this effects our brains and our bodies we can alter our expectations and actually feel less reactive when our partner doesn’t understand our perfectly logical reasoning.
The reasons for the above described situations come down to emotional attunement. Emotional attunement is a process where our bodies and our brains unconsiously and automatically respond to those of people to whom we’re emotionallly connected. This is why when your partner is anxious or upset we are often triggered and experience corresponding negative emotions such as guilt and shame . When emotional attunement is continuously disrupted because of the triggering of emotions such as fear and shame then a relationship is often headed in a difficult direction. When we can recognize that our partner’s negative feelings are biological responses we can temper our reaction and create a much more productive interchange. Sometime reassurance of our positive intent or acknowledgment of appreciation is enough to interrupt this negative spiral.
Healthy Families
What we learn growing up has a big influence on how we handle our adult relationships, especially our relationship with a partner or a spouse. ’Modeling’ is the term used for behaviors we learn by observing. Inconsistency is one of the characteristics modeled in dysfunctional families. When one grows up observing inconsistency between what is said and the behaviors one observes in one’s parents, issues with trust, confusion and lack of confidence are the typical results.
What I’d like to talk about in this post is the characteristics that are important for healthy families. Stephanie Covington, an author and addictions expert, has listed the following 6 characteristics of healthy families.
1. Commitment – the family is a priority.
2. Emotional and spiritual wellbeing that fosters trust and the giving and receiving of love.
3. Open and consistent communication – verbal and non-verbal.
4. Appreciation that is expressed for others in the family.
5. Quality family time.
6. Healthy responses to conflict and crisis.
These characteristics are important as continual awareness checks. We all get caught up in our responsibilities from time to time. But coming back and staying grounded in this vision can help us correct course when we drift off track.
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Getting Through the Tough Times – What is Resilience
Someone suggested that it would be valuable to write about the hard ecomonic climate we’re all facing. In thinking on this subject I started with the basic concept that informs a lot of my work – that there are events in life (what life throws at us) and the way we react to those events. As AA puts it – “learning to live life on life’s terms”.
How is it that some folks manage to weather the storms with seemingly less effect on their sense of well- being? One key is the way that one regards challenges. Are they seen as hurdles? Or roadblocks? I was so impressed the other day by my daughter’s characterization of a problem as the “hurdles” we’re facing. To me it was an indicator of a strong sense of self and an optimistic and empowered attitude.
In studying resilience psychologists have found certain common characteristics for those who are unusually resilient. The “Harvard Women’s Healthwatch” cites the following characteristics of resiliant individuals – authenticity, willingness to accept responsibility, acceptance of change, responsiveness, faith in themselves, ability to take risks and belief in the transcendent.
These are some of the attitudes and attributes that provide a foundation for resilience. And the good new is that these qualities can be developed. In the next post we’ll talk about how one can further enhance one’s resilience. Here are how these qualities manifest themselves:
1/ Authenticity - A strong sense of self where one isn’t dependent on outside factors to maintain a good feeling about their identity.
2/ Willingness to accept responsibility – Not seeing oneself as a victim even if one is in no way responsible for the situation such as a natural disaster. Viewing the situation as a challenge to be dealt with and taking whatever responsibility one can to take positive action.
3/Responsiveness – being open to what’s going on around one and with others so that one can adapt to changes.
4/Ability to take risks – being creative or entrepreneurial in attempting a course of action.
5/Faith in themselves – not getting blocked by questioning whether one can meet the challenge but simply moving ahead, knowing others before them have faced daunting tasks and overcome them.
6/Acceptance of change – one of the constants in life and viewing it as an opportunity.
7/ Belief in the transcendent – which does not necessarily have to be an organized belief system but can be an appreciation of art, music, nature or humanity itself coupled with the belief that life is worthwhile.
Emotional Flooding: How do we Stop the Conflict?
What’s the first thing to do when you and your partner are locking horns? I’m talking about situations where you each believe that your partner just needs to wake up and see the light and you feel that you keep having the same argument over and over and nothing gets resolved.
This is the kind of situation the noted psychologist and couples’ expert John Gottman terms “emotional flooding.” This term refers to relationships where aggressive and defensive reflexes have become a way of life.
These relexes are triggered by a combination of frustrations, accumulated resentments and misunderstandings. The very first step in stopping the destructive cycle is to take a time out. We need to let the limbic system, the location of our reptilian, or old brain, calm down. When anger and frustration rev up our nervous system, we can’t expect logic to prevail. Our subconscious, as well as conscious, emotions are running the show. A good technique for taking time out to calm down is to establish a signal that indicate when one partner is feeling emotionally flooded. Some couples use a humerous signal that gets their partner laughing, even in the midst of conflict. It doesn’t matter what the signal is as long as you each agree and neither of you find it offensive.
The next step is to engage in dialogue – a specific method of communication that allows each partner to feel heard and acknowledged. One of the primary tools in “Imago” therapy is teaching couples a specific way of talking. The technique is used in situation where emotions would inflame the conversation and result in increased conflict. With the dialogue process each partner can feel a sense of saftey and this further calms the limbic system.
We’ll explain more about the dialogue process in future posts. For now, you and your partner can agree on a mutual signal that communicates “I need a time out.” With this agreement you’ve already taken a step forward in breaking the old patterns that weren’t working.
Never Assume, Never Expect
Many couples that I see in my practice have difficulty with expectations and assumptions. When we start working on improving the skills of communicating clearly, with positive regard and openess, I encourage couples to work on putting their assumptions and expectations about each other into words. It never fails to surprise me how many different interpretations there can be to one sentence. I find people are genuinely surprised when they hear their partner reflecting back what they have said with a different interpretation or operating on an assumption of which the other partner is totally unaware.
We all have our own biases and they affect how we interpret what we’re hearing. It’s often only when we check out our understanding by stating something like, “so what I hear you saying is…,” that we can be sure we’re on the same page. I often witness interactions where each partner is not hearing what the other is really saying –let alone being able to clearly perceive the need behind the words.
Keeping Your Balance on the Tightrope
Many clients come to therapy because they are fixated on either the past or the future. Their focus on what might happen in the future creates anxiety. What happened in the past colors their thoughts and limits their ability to be ‘in the moment’. This is where the practice of mindfulness, the ability to focus attention on what is happening in the present, is a valuable tool. I sometimes use the metaphor of putting one foot in front of the other to move across the room. The thing we need to work on is “the next right thing” or moving one foot at a time.
There is value in talking and exploring the past. We can learn how certain beliefs were formed and evaluate if those ideas may have been necessary at one time, but may no longer be useful. It’s also valuable to access where we would like to direct our energy, to have goals for the future. But when our thoughts and feelings about either the past or the future color our mood we are not living life to its fullest. We are not fully present. And we are not using our ability to direct and control our thoughts and mood. This ability is the greatest asset which separates us from other species.
Keeping our focus on the past or the future can be a way of avoiding something in the present. It may be a truth that we need to accept in order to move on. The energy we invest in keeping our focus on the past or the future keeps up from accepting and living ‘life on life’s terms’, one of the famous phrases of AA.
Being able to balance our ability to attend to the present, while considering the future and exploring the influence of the past is a balancing act that we can master in the practice of mindfulness and being aware of our intentions. As with most skills, it takes practice. I find the practice of mindfulness can be elusive at times. The task involves practicing the skill of bringing ourselves back to the present yet designating some specific time to consider the past or future, but not allowing them to dominate our thoughts or mood.
We can remind ourselves that we don’t have to figure out the big picture when anxiety invades our mood. We can simply focus on the moment. Because each time we use the skill to focus we are in essence moving ourselves forward. A technique that I show clients that brings us back to the present moment is to take a minute and simply focus on our breathing. As we breathe in we think “in one.” As we breath out we think “out two.” With the second breath, “in two” and as we breathe out, “out two.” And so one with the third breath. As we’re doing this we are removed from past or future thoughts and are simply in the moment. We need to strengthen the muscle that moves us back to the present. Practicing this several times a day enables this neural network to strengthen. As we continue to use this technique we gain control over our thoughts and our mood, which is a result of the thoughts, conscious and unconscious that are constantly flowing through our mind.
Learning How to Communicate
When couples come into my office their problems usually have common themes. They express problems with “communication.” Either “we can’t agree on anything,” or “I’m afraid to say what I really think because it will cause an argument.” Couples often feel trapped, caught in a negative dynamic that they can’t break. I rarely encounter a couple who comes to counseling saying, “We have lots of problems but we don’t have any trouble communicating.”
When I cite communication as one of the building blocks of a successful relationship I mean a dialogue where both partners feel heard and understood. It doesn’t mean agreement. It means that their partner can understand that in their world their thoughts and feelings make sense. And often this is very difficult for couples to accomplish on their own.
There will often be differences. There are two different people and it is unlikely that there will be total agreement all of the time. But what differentiates those with a happy union from those who find their relationship difficult is being able to talk about issues in a way that neither party feels dominated or diminished.
Gender differences can play a big role in the way communication is handled in a relationship. Women often expect men to be able to talk about “how they feel” as freely as women can. Men often don’t find this style of talking to be productive and can lose patience. They often want to figure out what they need to do – what action needs to be taken.
I think communication is the grease that keeps a relationship moving forward. Trust and holding the relationship in positive regard are like spokes in the wheel.
By trust I mean that you feel that you have a secure base with your partner – that there is a mutual pact or understanding about what behaviors would be too hurtful and cause severe damage to the relationship.
Often in the early stages of a relationship couples operate with the idea that “he or she wouldn’t do that,” or “well, that’s obvious, why should we have to discuss that.” It’s often only when a couple’s expectations of each other are put to the test that they realize that they need to clearly state their expectations and assumptions in an open and explicit way and reach an understanding about the underlying issue. Working with a therapist can help bring that issue out onto the table and guide the discussion toward resolution.
Counseling Can Improve Your Relationship
With over 16 years of counseling experience I’ve helped couples overcome the rough patches in their relationships. Imago Therapy is one technique that teaches specific, easily learned strategies that allows couples to communicate in a safe, effective way that resolves conflicts and increases intimacy. Learn how to solve relationship problems and feel more connected with your partner.