Is Diminishing Sex Drive a Problem?

When couples lose their sexual connection it often has a negative impact on the relationship. This slideshow on webMD lists many of the reasons that you or your partner’s sexuality can be diminished. If you understand the cause for a problem it helps in exploring options for rectifying it.

The Magic 5-1 Ratio

The marital and relationship expert, John gottman, is known for his 5-1 ratio of positive to negative statements between partners as a necessity in marital or relationship harmony. This ratio can predict the success or failure of a relationship.

Gottman arrives at his conclusions from a longitudinal study that uses videotapes of real couple interactions and psychophysiological measures and extensive interviewing of the subjects. Gottman found that not all negativity is “equally corrosive.” “Certain negative acts” were more predictive of dissolution of the relationship,” Gottman states in his seminal paper, “A Theory of Marital Dissolution and Stability,” published in 1993 in the Journal of Family Psychology.

Suprisingly anger was not one of the predictive factors. What was predictive of divorce was the husband’s defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and the wife’s criticism, defensiveness and contempt.

Easy Skill for Relationship Repair

Real relationships go through cycles of harmony, disconnection and repair. Hopefully those cycles will become gentle slopes and not peaks and valleys as partners learn the skills of relationship repair. One essential skill is communicating relationally where the intention is, not just expressing your point of view, but repairing a disconnect with your partner. The Imago “dialogue” teaches this skill.

Your partner is not so interested in how you view the issue at hand but how much you care about them and being able to experience you as open, reasonable and flexible. This will calm and reassure them that the problem can be worked through. This will prevent the escalation of the destructive cycle and jumpstart the communication process in an effective manner.

Taking the time to learn this way of communicating pays off big time. What have you experienced when you attempt to repair a rupture?

Love and Brain Chemistry

There’s a interesting post on web MD which explains the changes in brain chemistry when one is “in love”. The rise in dopamine and serotonin that contribute to the feelings of well-being can alternate with the release of the stress hormone, cortisol, explaining the up and down mood changes. One of the researchers states that the period of being “in love” typically lasts 6 to 18 months. The good news is that you can learn to have a conscious partnership that involves a more sustained state of intimacy. Starting with conscious communication techniques that don’t trigger each other and slowing down the communication is one of the first changes that make a big difference.

When couples come to therapy I usually explain one view of the typical relationship timeline from being “in love” and then moving into the power struggle stage where the differences that seemed so endearing in the “in love” stage can cause conflict. These are the stages of an unconscious way of relating. When one starts paying attention to how one is relating, and not acting on impulse, the relationship can move into the stages of a conscious relationship that result in a relaxed, joyful, secure sense of intimacy with one’s partner.

One of the great sayings from AA, “slow up until you grow up,” can apply to the stages of learning to navigate an intimate relationship.

5 Quick Strategies to Stop Conflict

1. Answer only “yes” or “no” until there is a break in the conversation where you can ask for time out to lower the emotional intensity.

2. Have a “time-out” signal that you and your partner agree that you will both observe without negative judgements of each other.

3. Negotiate a time to talk when you can both manage your emotional distress.

4. Ask questions of your partner.

5. Use the “mirorring” technique – which is “so what I hear you saying is” (paraphrase what partner is saying) and then ask “did I get it” and stay with it until they say “yes, u got it.” This is one of the great communication techniques and can be used in any relationship.

Bringing Back the Erotic Charge

One of the most common situations that comes up in therapy sessions is when one partner’s desire for sex is much lower than the other’s. Many times this happens when couples have been together for some time and have gotten into a lifestyle that is routine and perhaps, child centered. When there’s a lot of saftey in a relationship there is often a decrease in the erotic charge. How to bring that back is often what motivates couples to seek therapy.

There’s a good article on this subject in Web MD. One of the important points is that we make assumptions about what our partner enjoys sexually based on the early days of the relationship, not taking into account that desires change over time. Asking questions and being open to finding out what interests your partner are strategies that seem simple but are often overlooked.

The Overwhelming Hurt of Infidelity

Many clients contact me after they’ve found out that their partner or spouse has been unfaithful. This is obviously a very difficult and painful time. Most clients say that it’s the most difficult challenge they’ve had to face. There is such a flood of emotions and the person who used to provide support is the one at the heart of the turmoil.

The first reaction is often to confront the partner that one would turn to in times of trouble but the response is almost always unsatisfying, hurtful and confusing. When one asks “how could you have done this?” there is usually not one clear reason, but a combination of beliefs, events and attitudes that converged.

Many times attention from the opposite sex when one’s spouse is dealing with other family responsibilities can be problematic if one isn’t mindful of keeping appropriate boundaries. Everyone enjoys attention, admiration and someone showing interest in us. With the internet and all of the social networking opportunities an awareness of appropriate boundaries is more important than ever.

What are the first steps that one needs to take when infidelity is discovered? Clients will often say, “how can I get through the day?”

Seeking out a professional that can listen, provide a non-judgmental sounding board and offer empathy and support is crucial. Turning to friends and relatives is often best done after careful consideration. When a window is opened to the outside inappropriately, this compromises the relationship. Support is essential in dealing with infidelity but it’s important to understand the placing of walls and windows because once a family member knows about the infidelity this knowledge can never be taken back.

I tell clients that marriages and partnerships can grow and become better after this experience, although this is very difficult to believe at this time. We can learn not only how to nuture and protect our primary relationship, but we can understand some of the assumptions that we may have been unaware of. Remembering that we are the products of our biology, environment and experiences can help us understand that some of the choices we make are often the result of many unconscious factors. Our early experiences create certain attitudes and vulnerabilities around attachment issues. The first step in healing is understanding what stressors made the relationship vulnerable. The early years of childrearing place many demands on relationships. Learning better and safer ways of communicating with each other can strengthen a relationship. Crisis really does present positive opportunities. Even during such a difficult experience there can be an opportunity for growth and positive change that can result in increased awareness and understanding and an even stronger bond and sense of appreciation.

Facebook and the Green-eyed Monster

Does Facebook contribute to jealousy and other relationship problems? The answer according to recent research studies says that it does. How can one use social networking and not experience problems in their primary relationship. Open communication is key. Let your partner know who you’re communicating with. Don’t use facebook in a way that it functions as a relationship exit. This means that spending quality time with your partner takes precedence over time in front of the computer screen. Daily face to face time spent catching up on each other’s day is important to maintain connection and positive regard. Limit the amount of time spent on the computer when you’re at home so that it doesn’t create tension and problems in your relationships.

Sex Mistakes – For Men and Women

When couples are having relationship problems it often affects their sexual relationship.  Anger and resentment can lead to withdrawl.  When a couple hasn’t been sexually active for some time it gets more and more difficult to re-establish a physical connection.  There’s some good tips on maintaining a healthy sexual relationship on the website Web MD.  The approach is avoiding mistakes – there’s an article on mistakes men make and one on mistakes women make.  Sometimes we fall victim to old sterotypical ways of thinking or take what we see in the movies as reality.  These articles make sense and challenge some outmoded assumptions.

Are You A Retrosexual?

An article in the Boston Phoenix by Deidre Fulton,
has added yet another word to the internet generation cultural-sexual lexicon. Retrosexual is the new term for people who reconnect with someone from their past (high school sweetheart, college crush) and the reunion becomes romantic or physical.

Therapists’ offices are filling with couples who are finding that its not just match.com that they worry about – it’s reunion.com and all the other sites designed to put people back in touch (no pun intended).

It’s one thing if you’re single and this is another option for dating material. The problem is when a spouse’s starts to communicate with someone from the past. It’s especially a problem if the first contact wasn’t noted in the ‘how was your day’ conversation. “I didn’t think anything about it,” doesn’t really fly when the contact is a blonde, beautiful neurosurgeon who just happens to be in town for a convention and has suggested meeting for a drink to catch up. The reconnect can be interpreted in various ways, some of which are not good for the marriage.

So if you’re thinking of responding to a facebook friend and you want to head off potential problems, best to have an agreement on boundaries with old buddies and share the news about old contacts openly.