CouplesNotes

Fifty Shades of Grey Again

Merry Frons — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 01:18:20 +0000

I wrote a post about Fifty Shades of Grey a week ago when Maureen Dowd commented on the book in her column in The New York Times. Everyone is talking about its rapid ascent to the top of the bestseller list. The fact that the main characters engage in a sexual relationship that involves bondage and S&M has prompted an ongoing media dialogue about what this says about American women.

I never got around to posting that piece on my blog. But today in the supermarket I saw that this week’s Newsweek had a cover story on the topic. I decided I better write about this before the 15 minutes of the latest media frenzy has passed. Because republicans are now trying to force women back into chastity belts, as Maureen Dowd so aptly put it this morning in an interview on NPR, does this mean that women are retreating to fiction to assert themselves? We all know that it has been a cultural prohibition for women to actually be aggressive about their sexual preferences. But everyone wants to speculate about what it means that women are devouring this book in droves and pushing it to the top of the bestseller list.

Most women love fantasy and can have a hard time separating the reality of a relationship from the fantasy of what they had imagined it could be when things head south. I think the appeal of this book is watching the heroine grapple with that dilemma, and the unconventional sexual aspects, from the safe position of a reader. An innocent girl gets involved with the bad boy – the rich, tycoon bad boy – who showers her with a new car, fancy phone and laptop, complete with a tech wizard to install all the software. Quite the fantasy. Sexologists know that sexual fantasies are an important part of eroticism. We encourage people to indulge in erotic fantasies as a way of getting in touch with their sexuality. I see this book phenomenon as just that – women feeling safe in the company of other women’s openness to express an interest in a fantasy story with racy passages. Albeit, as Newsweek puts it, “a skinny vanilla latte version” of racy. But the larger issue is that women are responding to and giving voice to a fantasy of sexuality – instead of a fantasy of being rescued by prince charming. I see this as one more step forward to actually having conversations about sex.

Living Together Before Marriage – Does It Help Prevent Divorce?

Merry Frons — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 14:31:26 +0000

Many people in their 20′s believe that living together before they marry is a good way to prevent divorce. But is this true? Current statistics reveal that more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. The cohabitation effect is the name researchers have given to the fact that couples tend to be less satisfied with their marriages and more likely to divorce who have lived together before marriage than those who do not. Why is this? An article in today’s NY Times by Dr. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist, says that “sliding, not deciding,” is one of the prime reasons. The gradual slope of dating, sleeping over and then moving in without clarifying assumptions and expectations can result in two different interpretations of the situation. It can be a way of avoiding a more serious commitment, testing out a relationship or a step toward marriage. The author of the Times article states that assumptions about the situation can often differ along gender lines. If you and your partner lived together before marrying or are currently living together, did you discuss the idea of marriage first?

Dating Site for Married/Committed Couples – a Cure for “Groundhog Day”?

Merry Frons — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 15:05:23 +0000

One of the stresses on marriages or long term relationships is what one couple termed “ground-hog day,” like the Bill Murray movie where one day continuously repeats itself. In the case of couples it’s the never-ending balancing act of work and family chores. There’s always the kids’ lunch boxes to pack , dirty dishes, laundry and the report that was due yesterday.

Studies show that a regular injection of novelty into long term relationships is a key component of relationship satisfaction and keeps partners from projecting the discontent of drudgery onto each other. A new website, announced in the NY Times last week, will help this happen with just one mouse click – a novel event from a menu of choices along with all the necessary particulars – tickets, restaurant, etc. No more wracking the brain for a new idea – just choose. What do you think? Can this help with the ground-hog day syndrome in your relationship?

Does Couples Therapy Work?

Merry Frons — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:07:46 +0000

A client reported a comment she heard from a therapist, “Couples’ therapy doesn’t work.” I was sure that the remark had been altered in translation and probably had been uttered by a therapist who got out when things got rough. I’m sure that many clients wonder when they set up their first appointment for couples’ therapy if something worthwhile will result.

When I say “worthwhile” I choose the word carefully. What may ensue may not be the result they had imagined or thought they wanted when they decided to pursue counseling. The therapy process consists of the interaction of many variables. The first order of change is often straightening out the misinterpretations and the misunderstandings that contribute to feelings of anger, disappointment and hostility. I see enormous change in couples’ relationships every day when the misattributions are cleared up. Recently The New York Times featured an article titled, Does Couples Therapy Work? The story explained how couples’ therapists need to deal effectively with volatile situations where there are a lot of strong emotions hurtling back and forth.

I agree that a couples therapist needs to be very skilled at managing strong, complex emotions in a way that allows the safe exchange of conflicting points of view. And this requires a tolerance for volatility on the therapist’s part.

Certain therapists are drawn to the challenge of working in highly dynamic, fast moving exchanges and these are the therapists that are drawn to couples’ work and are usually the best practitioners for it. They have to be able to dig deep under these strong emotions while managing the effect on their patients. Some therapists find the intensity of this balancing act unnerving and they are the ones that probably are better with the one on one work. So yes, couples therapy does works, but finding the right person to work with makes all the difference.

It Matters More Than You Know

Merry Frons — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:29:48 +0000

Do you get coffee for your partner or spouse in the morning? How often to you show affection to your partner? Generosity in your relationship matters more than you know. Those are the findings of a a recent study of 2,870 men and women in the Virginia National Marriage Project reported in the New York Times.
The happiest marriages were the ones with the highest generosity scores. This is not as self-evident as it seems. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of demands and obligations and lose sight of the generous impulse toward our partner. Take the quiz in the article and let me know if you agree.

Sometimes Darkness

Merry Frons — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 22:31:02 +0000

When I was writing my dissertation I had to make a definition of terms page so that the specific meaning of the way I was using terms would be clearly understood. When I read the NY Times Modern Love Column on Sunday Novemember 27th, I thought of the meanings for the word “love.” I thought of the behaviors that couples who come to therapy attach to the word as well as the expectations they often are in conflict about.

What was remarkable in this column was the way the author let go of his expectations and shifted his perspective, and then wrote of what he had gained from the experience in a year where only “life and love” mattered.

See what you think.

Affair Proof Your Relationship

Merry Frons — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:54:09 +0000

What is it that keeps some relationships connected and faithful and others struggling with the devastation of infidelity? Tammy Nelson’s article in the Huffington Post provides some tips that are helpful to keep things on track. Dr. Nelson identifies opportunity as the number one reason that one has an affair. I would say that opportunities can be abundant in today’s world where we’re surrounded by attractive people at work and at events.

The men in my office often say that in New York there are so many beautiful women that you see everyday. I think knowing where the line needs to be and making a commitment to observing the boundaries is the most important factor. If one gets in the habit of hovering close to the line the chances are greater that slipping across can happen in a moment when you are not so happy about your relationship or someone is not observing the boundary with you. So many men and women who are in my office trying to repair their relationship say that “it just happened,” but as the story emerges it’s clear that there had been several interactions with the person preceding that moment that had crossed the boundary of what is appropriate in keeping their relationship safe.

After the affair – both sides

Merry Frons — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 18:36:19 +0000

Many of the unhappiest couples to enter my office are struggling with the after effects of an affair. When I see the misery in their eyes I can almost hear them thinking that they wish they could just turn back the clock. Yesterday’s NY Times article was written from the perspective of someone who had . . . → Read More: After the affair – both sides

Facebook and the Green-eyed Monster

Merry Frons — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 02:27:03 +0000

Does Facebook contribute to jealousy and other relationship problems? The answer according to recent research studies says that it does. How can one use social networking and not experience problems in their primary relationship? Open communication is key. Let your partner know who you’re communicating with. Don’t use facebook in a way that it functions as a relationship exit. This means that spending quality time with your partner takes precedence over time in front of the computer screen. Daily face to face time spent catching up on each other’s day is important to maintain connection and positive regard. Limit the amount of time spent on the computer when you’re at home so that it doesn’t create tension and problems in your relationships.

Are You a Retrosexual?

Merry Frons — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 03:13:13 +0000

An article in the Boston Phoenix by Deidre Fulton,
has added yet another word to the internet generation cultural-sexual lexicon. Retrosexual is the new term for people who reconnect with someone from their past (high school sweetheart, college crush) and the reunion becomes romantic or physical.

Therapists’ offices are filling with couples who are finding that its not just match.com that they worry about – it’s reunion.com and all the other sites designed to put people back in touch (no pun intended).

It’s one thing if you’re single and this is another option for dating material. The problem is when a spouse’s starts to communicate with someone from the past. It’s especially a problem if the first contact wasn’t noted in the ‘how was your day’ conversation. “I didn’t think anything about it,” doesn’t really fly when the contact is a blonde, beautiful neurosurgeon who just happens to be in town for a convention and has suggested meeting for a drink to catch up. The reconnect can be interpreted in various ways, some of which are not good for the marriage.

So if you’re thinking of responding to a facebook friend and you want to head off potential problems, best to have an agreement on boundaries with old buddies and share the news about old contacts openly.