There’s a good article on this subject in Web MD. One of the important points is that we make assumptions about what our partner enjoys sexually based on the early days of the relationship, not taking into account that desires change over time. Asking questions and being open to finding out what interests your partner are strategies that seem simple but are often overlooked.

Identify and verbalize the steps toward a goal

Actually verbalize and clarify what the choices and options are for a topic that you’re discussing ie. so we’re considering 3 different choices for spring break vacation this year – right?

So we’re going to post the schedule for who is preparing dinner each night this week – correct?

When we keep these choices or options in our head and don’t express them our partner can have a totally different idea of the options ie. “I thought this was your week to make dinner every night.”

The first reaction is often to confront the partner that one would turn to in times of trouble but the response is almost always unsatisfying, hurtful and confusing. When one asks “how could you have done this?” there is usually not one clear reason, but a combination of beliefs, events and attitudes that converged.

Many times attention from the opposite sex when one’s spouse is dealing with other family responsibilities can be problematic if one isn’t mindful of keeping appropriate boundaries. Everyone enjoys attention, admiration and someone showing interest in us. With the internet and all of the social networking opportunities an awareness of appropriate boundaries is more important than ever.

What are the first steps that one needs to take when infidelity is discovered? Clients will often say, “how can I get through the day?”

Seeking out a professional that can listen, provide a non-judgmental sounding board and offer empathy and support is crucial. Turning to friends and relatives is often best done after careful consideration. When a window is opened to the outside inappropriately, this compromises the relationship. Support is essential in dealing with infidelity but it’s important to understand the placing of walls and windows because once a family member knows about the infidelity this knowledge can never be taken back.

I tell clients that marriages and partnerships can grow and become better after this experience, although this is very difficult to believe at this time. We can learn not only how to nuture and protect our primary relationship, but we can understand some of the assumptions that we may have been unaware of. Remembering that we are the products of our biology, environment and experiences can help us understand that some of the choices we make are often the result of many unconscious factors. Our early experiences create certain attitudes and vulnerabilities around attachment issues. The first step in healing is understanding what stressors made the relationship vulnerable. The early years of childrearing place many demands on relationships. Learning better and safer ways of communicating with each other can strengthen a relationship. Crisis really does present positive opportunities. Even during such a difficult experience there can be an opportunity for growth and positive change that can result in increased awareness and understanding and an even stronger bond and sense of appreciation.

Your partner is not so interested in how you view the issue at hand but how much you care about them and being able to experience you as open, reasonable and flexible. This will calm and reassure them that the problem can be worked through. This will prevent the escalation of the destructive cycle and jumpstart the communication process in an effective manner.

Taking the time to learn this way of communicating pays off big time. What have you experienced when you attempt to repair a rupture?

The reasons for the above described situations come down to emotional attunement. Emotional attunement is a process where our bodies and our brains unconsiously and automatically respond to those of people to whom we’re emotionallly connected. This is why when your partner is anxious or upset we are often triggered and experience corresponding negative emotions such as guilt and shame . When emotional attunement is continuously disrupted because of the triggering of emotions such as fear and shame then a relationship is often headed in a difficult direction. When we can recognize that our partner’s negative feelings are biological responses we can temper our reaction and create a much more productive interchange. Sometime reassurance of our positive intent or acknowledgment of appreciation is enough to interrupt this negative spiral.