CouplesNotes » Merry Frons

Avoiding the Holiday Blues – Riding the Ups & Downs

Merry Frons — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 04:53:03 +0000

The holidays can be tough to navigate for most of us with the added stress of expectations. But for those in recovery it can be a mindfield of sorts. Everywhere you go people are handing out drinks and good cheer is expected. Here are some tips for staying safe and sober through the next few weeks courtesy of Hazelden.

Good self-care is vital. Remember to slow down. Take some quiet time each day and work on an attitude of gratitude. Plan relaxation and meditation into your day, even for a few minutes, no matter how busy you are. Relax your standards and reduce overwhelming demands and responsibilities.
Don’t overindulge. Go easy on the holiday sweets and follow a balanced diet. Monitor your intake of caffeine, nicotine and sugar. Exercise regularly to help maintain your energy level amid a busier schedule. Don’t try to do too much. Get plenty of sleep. Fatigue is a stressor. Maintain some kind of schedule and plan ahead; don’t wait until the last minute to purchase gifts or prepare to entertain.
Enhance your support system. Holidays are a good time to reach out more frequently to your therapist, sponsor, spiritual advisor, or support group. If you’re in recovery, spend time with fellow recovering people. Let others help you realize your personal limits. Learn to say “no” in a way that is comfortable for you.
Find new ways to celebrate. Create some new symbols and rituals that will help redefine a joyful holiday season. You might host a holiday gathering for special recovering friends and/or attend celebrations of your Twelve Step group. Avoid isolation and spend time with people you like who are not substance users. Don’t expose yourself to unnecessary temptations, such as gatherings where alcohol is the center of entertainment. If there are people who have a negative influence on you, avoid them.
Focus on your recovery program. Holidays are also an important time to focus on your recovery program. For example, ask, “What am I working on in my program now?” Discuss this with your sponsor.
Release your resentments. Resentment has been described as allowing a person you dislike to live in your head, rent-free. Resentments that gain steam during the holidays can be disastrous for anyone, especially recovering people. The Big Book of “Alcoholics Anonymous” refers to resentment as the No. 1 offender, or the most common factor in failed sobriety.
Holidays may also be a time to evaluate your spirituality and find a personal way to draw support from the spirit of the season. Return the holidays to a spiritual base, and stress the power of unselfish giving.
Recovery is serious work, but it is also important to have fun. Laugh a little and a little more. Start seeing the humor in those things that annoy you. Take from the holiday season what is important for you and leave the rest.

Holiday Cheer – Avoiding the Pitfalls

Merry Frons — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 15:23:11 +0000

Happiness is having a large, loving, close knit family – in another city – can hold true at this time of year. I hear the horror stories in my office. Highly successful executives suddenly feel five years old when Mom or Dad tells them not to snack before dinner. Check out these tips on how to cope when your buttons are pushed. Having some strategies can help when we feel blindsided.

It Matters More Than You Know

Merry Frons — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:29:48 +0000

Do you get coffee for your partner or spouse in the morning? How often to you show affection to your partner? Generosity in your relationship matters more than you know. Those are the findings of a a recent study of 2,870 men and women in the Virginia National Marriage Project reported in the New York Times.
The happiest marriages were the ones with the highest generosity scores. This is not as self-evident as it seems. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of demands and obligations and lose sight of the generous impulse toward our partner. Take the quiz in the article and let me know if you agree.

Holidays Are Coming

Merry Frons — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 20:56:59 +0000

The holidays are in full swing. Menorahs and Christmas wreaths – lights and trees. The store windows are fun. I love Lord and Taylor’s little scenes and the minature trains down the street from my office.
But when it starts to feel that there are too many things to do and too many crowds – take a minute. Thinking about what we have to be grateful for – perhaps our children or a healthy parent or a good meal or anything that we can stop and take a moment to appreciate. Here’s some more tips from the Omega Center to keep us grounded when it gets hectic.

Sometimes Darkness

Merry Frons — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 22:31:02 +0000

When I was writing my dissertation I had to make a definition of terms page so that the specific meaning of the way I was using terms would be clearly understood. When I read the NY Times Modern Love Column on Sunday Novemember 27th, I thought of the meanings for the word “love.” I thought of the behaviors that couples who come to therapy attach to the word as well as the expectations they often are in conflict about.

What was remarkable in this column was the way the author let go of his expectations and shifted his perspective, and then wrote of what he had gained from the experience in a year where only “life and love” mattered.

See what you think.

Affair Proof Your Relationship

Merry Frons — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:54:09 +0000

What is it that keeps some relationships connected and faithful and others struggling with the devastation of infidelity? Tammy Nelson’s article in the Huffington Post provides some tips that are helpful to keep things on track. Dr. Nelson identifies opportunity as the number one reason that one has an affair. I would say that opportunities can be abundant in today’s world where we’re surrounded by attractive people at work and at events.

The men in my office often say that in New York there are so many beautiful women that you see everyday. I think knowing where the line needs to be and making a commitment to observing the boundaries is the most important factor. If one gets in the habit of hovering close to the line the chances are greater that slipping across can happen in a moment when you are not so happy about your relationship or someone is not observing the boundary with you. So many men and women who are in my office trying to repair their relationship say that “it just happened,” but as the story emerges it’s clear that there had been several interactions with the person preceding that moment that had crossed the boundary of what is appropriate in keeping their relationship safe.

After the affair – both sides

Merry Frons — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 18:36:19 +0000

Many of the unhappiest couples to enter my office are struggling with the after effects of an affair. When I see the misery in their eyes I can almost hear them thinking that they wish they could just turn back the clock. Yesterday’s NY Times article was written from the perspective of someone who had . . . → Read More: After the affair – both sides

Facebook and the Green-eyed Monster

Merry Frons — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 02:27:03 +0000

Does Facebook contribute to jealousy and other relationship problems? The answer according to recent research studies says that it does. How can one use social networking and not experience problems in their primary relationship? Open communication is key. Let your partner know who you’re communicating with. Don’t use facebook in a way that it functions as a relationship exit. This means that spending quality time with your partner takes precedence over time in front of the computer screen. Daily face to face time spent catching up on each other’s day is important to maintain connection and positive regard. Limit the amount of time spent on the computer when you’re at home so that it doesn’t create tension and problems in your relationships.

Are You a Retrosexual?

Merry Frons — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 03:13:13 +0000

An article in the Boston Phoenix by Deidre Fulton,
has added yet another word to the internet generation cultural-sexual lexicon. Retrosexual is the new term for people who reconnect with someone from their past (high school sweetheart, college crush) and the reunion becomes romantic or physical.

Therapists’ offices are filling with couples who are finding that its not just match.com that they worry about – it’s reunion.com and all the other sites designed to put people back in touch (no pun intended).

It’s one thing if you’re single and this is another option for dating material. The problem is when a spouse’s starts to communicate with someone from the past. It’s especially a problem if the first contact wasn’t noted in the ‘how was your day’ conversation. “I didn’t think anything about it,” doesn’t really fly when the contact is a blonde, beautiful neurosurgeon who just happens to be in town for a convention and has suggested meeting for a drink to catch up. The reconnect can be interpreted in various ways, some of which are not good for the marriage.

So if you’re thinking of responding to a facebook friend and you want to head off potential problems, best to have an agreement on boundaries with old buddies and share the news about old contacts openly.

Bringing Back the Erotic Charge

Merry Frons — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 18:13:45 +0000

One of the most common situations that comes up in marriage counseling sessions is when one partner’s desire for sex is much lower than the other’s. Many times this happens when couples have been together for some time and have gotten into a lifestyle that is routine and perhaps, child centered. When there’s a lot of saftey in a relationship there is often a decrease in the erotic charge. How to bring that back is often what motivates couples to seek therapy.

There’s a good article on this subject in Web MD. One of the important points is that we make assumptions about what our partner enjoys sexually based on the early days of the relationship, not taking into account that desires change over time. Asking questions and being open to finding out what interests your partner are strategies that seem simple but are often overlooked.