An article in the New York Times cited the statistic that two-thirds of couples from a recent study never got counseling before deciding to divorce. The article makes the point that couples can struggle with an issue that can have a simple fix that they are not aware of from their perspective. Leaving the issue untreated, as with a physical wound, it can fester and turn into entrenched resentments that lead to divorce. The story mentions an online site (www.relate-institute.org) that offers a questionaire that will access a couple’s communication and conflict styles which are essential tools in resolving relationship ruptures.

I have been conducting couple’s counseling for a long time and I am married for 44 years. Most of the couples that come to me wait until they are in a profound crisis and feeling hopeless. The first intervention is to calm the crisis down and help them to gain some perspective. This reduces the strain between them and helps them to get into a problem solving state of mind.
The second intervention is help them to grow in their ability to appreciate one another. To say out loud the things that they are both doing but not getting credit for.
Most couples at some point start taking one another for granted and take the good things that the other does as an expectation, not something to be appreciated.
In my 35 years in the mental health field, I have never had a more challenging form of therapy to condcut than couple’s counseling. This is true whether someone is married or not, straight or gay, bi-sexual, lesbian, transgender or queer.