The Overwhelming Hurt of Infidelity
Many clients contact me after they’ve found out that their partner or spouse has been unfaithful. This is obviously a very difficult and painful time. Most clients say that it’s the most difficult challenge they’ve had to face. There is such a flood of emotions and the person who used to provide support is the one at the heart of the turmoil.
The first reaction is often to confront the partner that one would turn to in times of trouble but the response is almost always unsatisfying, hurtful and confusing. When one asks “how could you have done this?” there is usually not one clear reason, but a combination of beliefs, events and attitudes that converged.
Many times attention from the opposite sex when one’s spouse is dealing with other family responsibilities can be problematic if one isn’t mindful of keeping appropriate boundaries. Everyone enjoys attention, admiration and someone showing interest in us. With the internet and all of the social networking opportunities an awareness of appropriate boundaries is more important than ever.
What are the first steps that one needs to take when infidelity is discovered? Clients will often say, “how can I get through the day?”
Seeking out a professional that can listen, provide a non-judgmental sounding board and offer empathy and support is crucial. Turning to friends and relatives is often best done after careful consideration. When a window is opened to the outside inappropriately, this compromises the relationship. Support is essential in dealing with infidelity but it’s important to understand the placing of walls and windows because once a family member knows about the infidelity this knowledge can never be taken back.
I tell clients that marriages and partnerships can grow and become better after this experience, although this is very difficult to believe at this time. We can learn not only how to nuture and protect our primary relationship, but we can understand some of the assumptions that we may have been unaware of. Remembering that we are the products of our biology, environment and experiences can help us understand that some of the choices we make are often the result of many unconscious factors. Our early experiences create certain attitudes and vulnerabilities around attachment issues. The first step in healing is understanding what stressors made the relationship vulnerable. The early years of childrearing place many demands on relationships. Learning better and safer ways of communicating with each other can strengthen a relationship. Crisis really does present positive opportunities. Even during such a difficult experience there can be an opportunity for growth and positive change that can result in increased awareness and understanding and an even stronger bond and sense of appreciation.
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