I do notice general differences in the way men and women approach resolution of issues. The generalizations don’t always hold true but I do think that there are certain observations that are helpful to keep in mind.
In my practice I observe men compartmentalizing issues in a way that’s different from many women’s response to frustration. By this I mean that women generally have an expectation of an empathic response to an expression of difficulty whether its your son’s fall on the playground or the unreasonable person that you had to deal with in getting the cable fixed. Men might relate the same information but the difference is that they don’t expect an expression of empathy or feel hurt when its not forthcoming.
This week I saw four couples where the women felt hurt and a lack of connection from their partners behaviors at the end of the day. The women all felt that the lack of verbal expression and effort at connecting verbally was a lack of interest in them. The men were looking to blow off their stress from work through action – before being able to settle into connection with their partners. The men were compartmentalizing their needs and dealing with them in a way that didn’t necessarily include verbalizing with their partners. And women often assume that this means they don’t have interest in connecting when its really a matter of timing, style, expectations and assumptions. With a little understanding and some targeted communication a lot of distress is eliminated. But often the way an issue like this is handled just inflames the issue.
Women generally look for connection with empathic responses. They don’t need the problem solved. They just want to feel that their emotional reality resonantes. This is not something that guys generally do naturally. Imagine a couple guys on the golf course and one hits their ball into the sandpit. The response is usually some competitive ribbing. I see so many men puzzling over why their girlfriend or spouse stormed off to the bedroom when they came home. Many times it’s just that buildup over the day and wanting to hear an expression of caring ie “the cable company really can be so difficult. you must have been incredibly frustrated.” If your partner is a male expressing the same situation he would probably prefer a physical expression of caring and not an emotionally coddling response. But what do you think? How do you like your partner to respond when you’re expressing your frustrations from the day.
