Why the Right Words Sometimes Don’t Work
Many therapists, myself included, work with couples on learning to respond to your partner in a way that increases empathy, understanding and connection. But there’s a biological reason why we can sometimes be acting as the most reasonable, understanding person in the world and our partner can feel emotionally triggered ie. experiencing unpleasant emotions in response to our words or actions. Our responses are constantly being influenced by biology, experience and
environmental factors. When we have a better understanding of how this effects our brains and our bodies we can alter our expectations and actually feel less reactive when our partner doesn’t understand our perfectly logical reasoning.
The reasons for the above described situations come down to emotional attunement. Emotional attunement is a process where our bodies and our brains unconsiously and automatically respond to those of people to whom we’re emotionallly connected. This is why when your partner is anxious or upset we are often triggered and experience corresponding negative emotions such as guilt and shame . When emotional attunement is continuously disrupted because of the triggering of emotions such as fear and shame then a relationship is often headed in a difficult direction. When we can recognize that our partner’s negative feelings are biological responses we can temper our reaction and create a much more productive interchange. Sometime reassurance of our positive intent or acknowledgment of appreciation is enough to interrupt this negative spiral.
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