Learning How to Communicate
When couples come into my office their problems usually have common themes. They express problems with “communication.” Either “we can’t agree on anything,” or “I’m afraid to say what I really think because it will cause an argument.” Couples often feel trapped, caught in a negative dynamic that they can’t break. I rarely encounter a couple who comes to counseling saying, “We have lots of problems but we don’t have any trouble communicating.”
When I cite communication as one of the building blocks of a successful relationship I mean a dialogue where both partners feel heard and understood. It doesn’t mean agreement. It means that their partner can understand that in their world their thoughts and feelings make sense. And often this is very difficult for couples to accomplish on their own.
There will often be differences. There are two different people and it is unlikely that there will be total agreement all of the time. But what differentiates those with a happy union from those who find their relationship difficult is being able to talk about issues in a way that neither party feels dominated or diminished.
Gender differences can play a big role in the way communication is handled in a relationship. Women often expect men to be able to talk about “how they feel” as freely as women can. Men often don’t find this style of talking to be productive and can lose patience. They often want to figure out what they need to do – what action needs to be taken.
I think communication is the grease that keeps a relationship moving forward. Trust and holding the relationship in positive regard are like spokes in the wheel.
By trust I mean that you feel that you have a secure base with your partner – that there is a mutual pact or understanding about what behaviors would be too hurtful and cause severe damage to the relationship.
Often in the early stages of a relationship couples operate with the idea that “he or she wouldn’t do that,” or “well, that’s obvious, why should we have to discuss that.” It’s often only when a couple’s expectations of each other are put to the test that they realize that they need to clearly state their expectations and assumptions in an open and explicit way and reach an understanding about the underlying issue. Working with a therapist can help bring that issue out onto the table and guide the discussion toward resolution.
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